For those out of the loop, our resident madman Ash recently popped up an article telling you not to buy the upcoming Nintendo Switch. As a long-time Nintendo fanboy, I feel as if it’s my duty to protect the sanctity of our beloved Uncle Ninty. Now, I could go about this rebuttal article in a serious manner and point out the flaws in his argument.
But I’m going to call him a filthy casual instead.
We’re on the precipice of something truly great, and our dear friend Ash just wants to walk away. He even said it was great! What kind of disgusting hypocrisy is this, you sexist? When this baby launches, we’re all going straight to Mars! Human society will reject violence and hate, to bring us all together under the red banner of the big N. Let’s be real guys, who doesn’t love Nintendo? What kind of sick and twisted individual would look at a good ol’ N64 and not feel all warm and fuzzy inside? How broken must one poor man be to stray from the light? This man has obviously fallen to blasphemy, and we can’t blame him for something that wasn’t his fault. Nobody’s born a casual. So, I’m going to offer him a sweet deal.
I will re-baptise him in the local EB Games with the milk from a bowl of 1980s Nintendo cereal, the holiest of waters.
It’s clear that this poor man needs help. The Nintendo Switch won’t get a Lite model, because that’s a practice historically limited to Nintendo’s handhelds and paedophiles. Ash needs therapy, and I’ll give him some of the best there is; No items, Fox only, Final Destination.
I can’t solve the obvious money problems he has, though. I mean, I never quite understood poor people. Why don’t they just go to the bank and buy more money from their uncles like I do? Then you could afford both models, Ash! Both of them! Stop being so poor, peasant! My daddy got a job in 1975 by just walking across the road when he lost his first job, so there’s no reason why that would have changed! Kids these days are so lazy. Why, I bet all those gosh darn Sonybronies and Microshits are just sitting in their mum’s summer basement spreading this heresy.
I forgot what we were talking about.
Oh yeah, the Switch.