Earth Must Die Review

Comedy is hard to get right in any medium, let alone an interactive one like video games. The design nature of point-and-click games with their heavy focus on dialogue makes them a great option for any developer trying to get laughs out of the player. But as someone who enjoys the self-deprecating, sarcastic and dry flavour of British comedy and hasn’t grown out of finding dick jokes funny (I’m almost 40 by the way), Earth Must Die from Size Five Games got more than a fair share of laughs from me. Understandably, this type of comedy isn’t for everyone, but if you like flowing adventure games (and a big load…of innuendo) that look like adult cartoons you grew up with and the idea of playing the villain, then Earth Must Die should be the next game you play.

You are VValak (that’s right, two Vs) Lizardtongue, the inept, lazy and cunty Grand Shepherd of the Tyrythian Ascendancy whose only friend is Milky, a sentient milk-filled nursing bot that he should have grown out of as a child. Truth be told, VValak stole his spot on the throne by ensuring his older (and far more capable but equally as cunty) twin brothers killed one another, leaving his father no choice but to pass on the reins to the only remaining son before he died.

Fast-forward a few hundred years and you’ve done nothing but make things worse for everyone other than yourself, and when you need a new planet to plunder for resources, you set your sights on Earth, despite being warned against the idea. However, as the decision maker in these parts, you know better than everyone else – except that targeting Earth sees your planet get invaded and your control of the Tyrythian Ascendancy given up to the Terranoids. Now stuck in a dead-end dignitary role with no actual power, you decide to reclaim what you rightfully stole and destroy Earth in the process. How hard can it be?

The perfect moment to hand over the keys to the kingdom

Turns out, overthrowing an even more tyrannical empire than your own isn’t a walk in the park, but over the next 8–10 hours you’ll give it your best shot. Whether it’s becoming microscopic and heading inside a button to fix a connection issue, attending a cruise ship where the Guild of Orgies is getting more than their rocks off, or orchestrating a heist on a train by pretending to be on the giving end of a sex chat line, your journey will take you to a variety of wacky locations and wild scenarios.

And it all looks stunning, thanks to a vibrant and immersive sci-fi cartoon world that feels ripped from a heyday Cartoon Network classic or 2000s Adult Swim production. And it’s got the slick animations and stellar character designs to go with it too. In fact, what’s impressive is the amount of work that has clearly gone into every location and character model to ensure that they all feel different and unique. It’s a trait I love about adventure games – the meticulous approach that makes these elements stand out with its deliberate placement and distinctive design that you don’t get in larger scale video games.

Earth Must Die’s dialogue, which is proudly British and features plenty of crude jokes, is probably the game’s hardest sell. For every gag or wisecrack that made me chuckle, no doubt someone will find it cringey. And honestly, there is the odd moment where it feels like maybe one too many sex jokes in a short time frame, but the horse is far from being flogged to death.

We’re all thinking it

But great talent and comedic timing are wasted if the writing doesn’t hold up its end of the bargain, and thankfully Size Five Games delivers here, with a clever, witty and humorous script

The dialogue is more than smut jokes though, there’s actually some excellent one-liners that are either just simply funny or well-timed. Perhaps one of the funniest moments was when VValak asks a character to interact with the head of one of his deceased brothers. By doing so you could ask it to repeat his last words or his first. Asking the latter receives the response “Ala goo goo,” to which VValak retorts with “In hindsight, predictable.” It’s not comedy gold, but it proves that good timing and great delivery can make something funnier, and it helps that all of the characters are brought to life by a star-studded voice cast that includes Joel Fry (Taskmaster) as VValak, Martha Howe-Douglas (Horrible Histories) as Milky, Alex Horne and Mike Wozniak (Taskmaster), Ben Starr (Clair Obscur: Expedition 33) and more.

But great talent and comedic timing are wasted if the writing doesn’t hold up its end of the bargain, and thankfully Size Five Games delivers here, with a clever, witty and humorous script that really does shine even in the minor details. Every dialogue option comes with its own short explainer to give you more context as to why VValak might say it, so calling a pub a shithole is just calling it what it is, or you might choose to say it’s quaint and rustic because there’s good in anything, if you look closely. Sometimes this added flavour text is even funnier than whatever comes out of VValak’s mouth, but often it just makes every interaction more amusing.

For the most part, playing Earth Must Die is like most other point-and-click adventures. Each scene or location will require VValak to solve a puzzle by speaking with characters or interacting with objects – except VValak will get someone else to do the work because he refuses to let his precious hands touch anything. But unlike most point-and-clicks, you won’t be collecting an inventory full of items to use, you’ll use VValak’s power of conversation to coerce and charm others to do your bidding.

The truth hurts

Your bestie Milky is your companion on this quest, and while VValak has his fair share of cracking lines, Milky’s razor-sharp sarcasm and general “This guy is a bit of an idiot” attitude towards VValak produce countless hilarious and savage quips. Still, the pair make a compelling team thanks to some great chemistry and writing.

Milky also acts as your ever-present hint system, but it’s done in a clever way that feels more like a resource than a get-out-of-jail card. Interacting with Milky will give VValak access to the ‘Milkipedia,’ Milky’s built-in knowledge base that will give him information on various topics such as prominent figures in the Tyrythian Ascendancy and the habits and interests of the Terranoids. Need to know how to flirt or how to make a particular cocktail? It’s all in the Milkipedia.

The puzzles are as logical as the zany sci-fi world that VValak inhabits, so while strapping a toilet to a sentient vacuum to hold a bomb sounds batshit crazy in our world, in Tyryth it’s…actually no it’s still batshit crazy, but somehow it makes sense. Aside from a couple moments where the player could have been given a touch more direction or info and progression relies on trial and error, the puzzles are well designed and highly enjoyable.

What I love about Earth Must Die is that each location is self-contained, meaning that any puzzle you encounter in a given location or scene can be solved by interacting with everyone and everything there. This means there’s no tedious backtracking through areas to find an item you may have missed or whatnot, which helps the game flow better.

Space world problems

Final Thoughts

As someone who resonated with Earth Must Die’s humour, it’s hard to find many faults with it. Perhaps the only thing that left me a little frustrated was the ending, which felt a little rushed and somewhat unclear. Like I get it, but I don’t really get it, you know? Outside of that, it’s almost the complete package if you’re chasing a comedy adventure. Props must go to the writers and the incredible talent who brought it to life, but also the designers at Size Five Games who methodically ensured that this absurd sci-fi tale flowed without any major roadblocks. Oh, and for making playing the cunty villain enjoyable.

Reviewed on PC // Review code supplied by publisher

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