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Show Me Your Goddamn Plumbing Skills, Mario

Is he a pipe wizard?

Look, it is cool that Mario is going to have an epic adventure when his film drops in April 2023.

It’s cool that we will see familiar faces given the epic Hollywood treatment, with a range of incredible voice talents bringing these iconic video game characters to life.

But how good is he at unclogging a toilet?

Over the years I have seen the red-hatted Italian do all manner of epic things, from flinging actual fireballs to picking up and throwing a lizard that is clearly ten times his size. But, Mario’s profession – the humble craft of plumbing, has always been strangely absent. I mean, the dude warps through pipes – but does he ever install them? Repair them? And no, the cutscene in Super Mario 3D World barely counts.

My boy Luigi is even packing all the necessary tools:

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So, while others may be clamouring to see Mario play tennis with Princess Peach, or turn into a cat – what I want is an epic montage of him replacing flanges on old tapware. I want to see Mario explaining to a woman why she doesn’t need a $1,200 mixer tap for her laundry basin. I want to see him squeeze under a house and replace a PVC p-trap while flat on his back, terrified it’s going to drip its rancid water on his face.

Heck, I wanna see him install a tasteful vanity unit that is both space efficient and attractive in the context of the ensuite it’s housed in.

In the context of the trailer, I have seen him stare down a leaky tap (just replace the o-rings my man, or reseat the cartridge) and do a fairly neat spin on a spanner while standing in a show cubicle. There is no footage of him unclogging a dunny, or replacing it’s cistern – but there is still time! For all we know, the 1 hour 45 minute runtime has over 60 minutes dedicated to the minutiae of installing efficient greywater runoff.

Am I romanticising the humble profession of plumbing? Maybe. Through any other lens you could almost acclimate my thoughts to perhaps shining a spotlight on an integral part of the Nintendo mascots background – give movie viewers a little swerve to their expectations when Mario spends the first 10 minutes of his meeting with Princess Peach explaining that the waste trap for her sink needs replacing.

Or maybe stick to the fire flowers and kart races. You know, for the kids.

Are you itching to see some hot plunger action? Let us know in the comments or on social media!

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Written By Ash Wayling

Known throughout the interwebs simply as M0D3Rn, Ash is bad at video games. An old guard gamer who suffers from being generally opinionated, it comes as no surprise that he is both brutally loyal and yet, fiercely whimsical about all things electronic. On occasion will make a youtube video that actually gets views. Follow him on YouTube @Bad at Video Games

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