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Tight in the Jorts: September Edition

Always remember the jorts of September, the gunpowder treason and plot

Jorts. Half jeans. Half shorts. Half uncomfortable tightness for the sake of fashion. We’ve all worn them and know of the dangers of getting too excited while sporting a pair. Uncomfortable tightness can become dangerous blood flow constriction in the blink of an eye with the right stimulus. Every month we’ll let you know what games threaten the structural integrity of our collective jorts, feel free to chime in.

August has come and gone and with it left Mankind Divided over No Man’s Sky. A lot of consumers ended up being severely disappointed with the space exploration offering from Hello Games and Sony due to excessive expectations, technical problems and just pure boredom. However, for every Neil Armstrong there is a Sam the rhesus monkey, and as time waits for…no man…we need to look forward to September’s offerings.


September 6th: Mother Russia Bleeds

September 8th: Ace Attorney: Spirit of Justice

September 13th: ReCore

September 13th: NHL 2017

September 15th: Bioshock Remastered Collection

September 15th: PES 2017

September 16th: NBA 2K17

September 20th: Destiny: Rise of Iron

September 27th: Forza Horizon 3

September 29th: FIFA 17


This time of year is when I get out of my neat-casual jorts and into my sports jorts. September is renowned for its annual sports releases and this month does not disappoint. NHL 17 and FIFA 17 are both certainties for me, and I will no doubt sink many hours into both titles. They’re not the only titles that have me coloured keen. I am intrigued by how ReCore will play, the newest expansion for Destiny has my interest piqued and as someone who has never played Bioshock 1 & 2, I may have to take the remastered collection for a spin.


September looks to have a few titles that’ll increase the tension in my jorts, I’m pretty sure we can already guess what one of them is. Given that this month has a few offerings for me, it makes the fact that I’m not in the country for half of it sting a little more. Firstly, ReCore has piqued my interest of late and I am not really too sure why. It just has. As much as I am getting tired of remasters (I really am) I will more than likely pick up the Bioshock collection and let it sit in my backlog until we have a drought of good titles. Destiny: Rise of Iron is a massive release for me as I pretty much hadn’t touched the game until earlier this week despite the fact that I used to play religiously and even started out as the Destiny guy on the site. Given that Destiny’s previous expansion, The Taken King, sought to change and improve a lot of what was wrong with Destiny, Rise of Iron looks to be massive in the sense that it has to deliver with story and content. The fact that private matchmaking comes in Rise of Iron makes it that little bit sweeter. This is a release that I will be picking up on both PS4 and Xbox One. The final game which has me tight in the jorts is Forza Horizon 3. This title looks to spectacular and hopefully it delivers.


Next month looks like a fantastic one, as I can actually keep a few dollars in my wallet that I can add to the pre-orders that I have lined up for the upcoming months. There are a few I wouldn’t mind looking into like Destiny, NBA or FIFA, but my jorts simply aren’t tight enough to warrant me wasting my money or time on them. Don’t hate me Destiny/sports fans, I’m sure I’ll dive back in some time in the future, but only when the time is right.


September’s releases takes me back to the early noughties, and not in a good way. I may as well be wearing my baggy cargo shorts (maybe spiffed up a bit with a black and white Korn shirt too), because this is the airy slackness we’re dealing with here. There’s very little here for anyone who doesn’t like sports (god damn sports) and remasters (god damn remasters), but it’s good because I’ll get a chance to look at my backlog and sigh wistfully. I will say though that Persona 5 has me slightly interested, even if I don’t live in Japan and won’t be able to play it just yet. I’ve never played any of the games in the series, but I do like a good RPG and this one seems to come highly recommended by just about everyone on the Internet. Maybe I’ll import a copy and run it all through Google Translate.


September already looks like a better one than August, with the latest Ace Attorney game, Spirit of Justice, arriving this month! I’m a huge fan of the series, and I’m very excited! The Bioshock remasters also have me interested, although I’m waiting to see what the game actually looks like before I take the plunge into Rapture again. Persona 5 is another big weeb release, but not one I’ll actually be taking part in. I don’t have a PS4 yet, but the series has created some damn fine looking girls and Persona 5 should be no exception. On the indie front, Shantae: Half-Genie Hero hits almost every platform in September and Mother Russia Bleeds looks like the most awesome beat-em-up I’ll play this year. XCOM 2’s console release is this month too. September is just about the best month of the year so far, in my humble opinion.


About this time every year we get new offerings for each sport franchise made by EA and for the most part, there isn’t that much different between the years. I thought about not contributing to this month’s Jorts piece because I’ve started to become a little annoyed with EA sports games and none of the other games appeal to me overly much. Of course, I’ve said that but here I am, contributing to the Jorts piece for September for one reason only. Earlier this year I had the opportunity to review PES: EURO 2016 and it was the first time I’ve played PES since the early 2000s. I’m hooked. FIFA has always been my game and FIFA17 looks to be a good one with the introduction of The Journey but I’m tight in the jorts for PES 2017. The graphics are incredible and I expect the gameplay to be just as exquisite as 2016, the only thing that slackens my jorts is not having licences!


September will be a loose-fitting jort month for me. There are a few games that are going to be big and really bust some seams for a few peeps but I’m just not as invested. I am however quite interested to see how the Destiny: Rise of Iron expansion will look. I did play Destiny for a good while and for a brief moment was really into it. Alas, my attention span didn’t cover the full game but I thought the game itself was entertaining all the same. Here’s hoping Bungie comes in left field and hits us with something new I can obsess over, seeing as my jorts were worn for No Man’s Sky last month and… well, most of us know how that turned out.


I had such a bright future lined up. September had some heavy hitters waiting in the wings that I was interested in – a new Ace Attorney game, ReCore – but none of this matters. I have the Warcraft Monkey on my back once more. With the looming release of the new Legion expansion mere hours away, even now I am thinking about WoW-friendly snacks and drinks that will allow me to play unencumbered while I absorb and devour new content. The last few days have been spent preparing, re-awakening old muscles that lay dormant and researching what has changed in my absence. The short answer is *a lot* – but all jokes aside I have likely lost the entire month of September to this beast. Send my regards to my wife – Honey, I am sorry.

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