As part of WellPlayed’s 2020 Pledges and Punishments, I vowed to finally go back and play multiple dauntingly long RPGs, including several Final Fantasy titles that I’d missed. After immersing myself in the various worlds and awakening many fond mammaries of the franchise, I’ve come to realise something: Final Fantasy is wantonly sexploitative. This realisation probably surprises very few people, and by some standards it’s probably fairly tame, but it’s impossible to ignore the franchise’s obsession with the sexiness of the digital human form. Whether it’s the camera zooming up Rikku’s bum when she’s on all fours, Lulu and Tifa’s comically large breasts, Gladiolus’ mullet that just won’t quit or the smouldering Cloud Strife, there’s plenty to take in – be it man, women or anthropomorphic tiger person, no one is safe from the sexy treatment in the Final Fantasy universe. With so many big players on the scene, it’s easy to forget those quiet achievers who may not always get their fair share of the spotlight, but have an inner light that shines bright nonetheless. Together with WellPlayed’s resident Final Fantalist Kieron Verbrugge, we’ve subjectively objectified Final Fantasy’s diverse cast and come up our Top 5 unsung sex symbols.
5. Biran – FFX
If this 10-foot-tall Ronso warrior isn’t a common fixture at furry conventions then I’m both confused and disappointed. Like many of FFX’s characters, Biran wears very little (seriously Yunalesca, put some goddamn clothes on), but if you had what this guy was cooking then you probably wouldn’t either. But while he does an admirable job of looking like a perfectly sculpted hybrid of He-Man and a Thundercat, sexiness is also found on the inside, and our man Biran is the complete package. At first Biran appears to be a petty bully, harassing his fellow Ronso Kimahri mercilessly about his apparent weakness and broken horn. It’s revealed later that he’s actually a thoroughly decent bloke who simply values strength as a Ronso tradition, and when Kimahri bests him in combat he’s the first to applaud him and your party, and lets you know he’ll personally build a statue in Yuna’s honour. Humility in defeat – that’s hot.
I’m sorry Ms Jackson, but I am fur real
4. Quistis Trepe – FFVIII
I hesitate to suggest that the inclusion of Quistis on this list has anything to do with the teacher/student dynamic between herself and Squall in Final Fantasy VIII but…it totally does. Playing FFVIII as a pre-teen meant relating heavily to Squall; aloof, disenfranchised and somehow deluded into thinking one oversized belt isn’t enough. The only thing separating the boy from the pubescent boy from the video game avatar being that said video game avatar wasn’t hot for teacher and I most certainly was. Ms Trepe has it all – the protective nature, the quiet assertiveness, the wireframe glasses, the whip.
“Girl, are you a Final Fantasy VIII summon? Because I’d love for you to be my GF”.
See me after class
3. Aranea Highwind – FFXV
Hello dear reader, Kieron V here from WellPlayed. I just wanted to take the time out in this here section to reiterate that, despite my widely-acclaimed 2018 article entitled The Top Five Most F*ckable Dragons In Spyro Reignited Trilogy, I am not a ‘scalie’. Never have been, likely never will be. Now that we’ve established that, let’s talk about Aranea Highwind, Final Fantasy XV’s feisty, acrobatic Dragoon clad in dragonscale armour dubbed the Dragon Mail and wearing a cape that resembles a dragon’s wings. Aranea is another one of the series’ authoritative female figures with an overt fondness for the game’s protagonist and I’m sorry but that just plays right into my wheelhouse.
She’s got more dragon balls than you’ll ever have
2. Ignis – FFXV
Many won’t be able to look past the hulking Gladiolus, with his tattoos, head-to-toe leather outfit, and impressive Tennessee waterfall, but there’s a bookish smarty pants with killer style in Noctis’ entourage for those with real taste. Diagnosed with myopia at a young age, Ignis is forced to wear a stylish pair of glasses that accentuate cheekbones you could slice a marinated lamb shoulder with, and did I mention this cuisinophile can also prepare stat-boosting photorealistic food? Can you prepare stat-boosting photorealistic food? Didn’t think so. If you want someone who’ll finish your meat pie at the footy, then by all means Gladiolus has you covered, but if you want someone that you can discuss Tolstoy with over a hand-crafted charcuterie platter, there’s no remix to Ignissin’.
There’s nothing sexier than taking care of your bros. Nothing
1. Kuja – FFIX
FFIX was actually the first title of yore I conquered as part of my pledges, and when Kuja first rocked up I did a double take. Managing to impress even through the blurry veil of the game’s horrendous sub-480p resolution, Kuja is one fabulous bastard. As the game’s villain, he somehow manages to pull off a look that appears on the surface to be mostly comprised of a very busy outfit, but he’s paradoxically wearing very little at all. If that’s not enough, then his whip is also a silver dragon. Is your whip a silver dragon? Didn’t think so. He’s got a tortured past and a flirtatious figure, and he’s not afraid to flaunt either of them, and for this we give Kuja our top spot.
Perfection (image credit: eagiel – DeviantArt)
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