The Battle To Be The Speediest Sex Haver In Baldur’s Gate 3 Is Enthralling

Speedrunning is a tremendously cool meta-sport. It’s this brilliant mix of creative feature use, outright abuse of mechanics and thrilling mechanical skill to breeze through something that took a team of people years to create.

Baldur’s Gate 3 is no stranger to the clever folk who live life at top speed, with several players  already managing to crush the game in under 10 minutes – no slouch considering the sheer scope of the stellar RPG.

But, the far more interesting and cutthroat category of Baldur’s Gate 3 speedrunning is the unique category that deals with “Who can get laid the fastest”.

Also known as Sex%.

It started like any other speedrunning goal – identifying the best route (root?) and then work to optimise it. The Dungeons & Dragons playbook offers an incredible toolkit for getting to places fast; but alas there is no ‘Summon horizontal hula partner’ spell to get a bonk fast.

Looking into it, I was first amazed by the navigation at play – using the JUMP spell to basically Hulk-leap your way across the landscape – towards the NPC target who was deemed to be the most immediately horny.

Then the workshopping started, and the time windows got smaller and smaller. Some hot (heh) competition between the likes of DisguisedToast and maeeeeee first saw minutes being shaved off times, furthering a rivalry that had new records being posted hours after the last world record was set. The battle-to-bump-uglies was in full swing, and I just couldn’t tear myself from it.

Sure enough, the optimisation of paths became key to guiding your hopping-hump-hungry-humanoid – with map boundaries becoming more like suggestions. The opening experience on the nautiloid was relegated to a casual fling in the grander scheme of getting your rocks off.

What started as a passing interest of mine quickly devolved into a fiendish appreciation for the sheer willpower of the competitors.

And sure enough, an incredible time of only 2m 16s has been posted in the last few hours by maeeeeee, making mention that 2m 15s may even be possible – albeit barely.

If ever there was an awe-inspiring claim to fame, being able to casually drop that you hold a ‘World Record For Sex’ must surely be it.

Is clarification necessary? I mean sure, maybe – but even explaining that your ability to bed some sexy polygons is considered unrivalled by your peers should surely command some respect. For me, I am just grateful to have witnessed such an invigorating battle to bonk a bedfellow in its prime.

I could have written this article a half dozen times in just the last five or so hours, but the competition was so fierce that I had to witness it’s eventual climax (heh) – bringing us here, at what may be considered the sexual zenith of Baldur’s Gate 3.

Until the next incredible horny tech is discovered, we stand shoulder to shoulder with sweaty titans.

Godspeed, you incredible sex-havers.

How do you find this hot-and-heavy competition? Do you aspire to be a pro sex-haver (in Baldur’s Gate 3)? Let us know in the comments or on social media.

Edit: And holy crap, a new record already – 2m 13s!