Strap yourselves in.
If you’re under 20 and don’t know who Duke Nukem is, I don’t blame you. He’s the product of a different time, an era where a man could be as sexist as he wanted in a video game and all he had to do in return was save the world. Bonus points if they had Schwarzenegger bodies. Duke Nukem was a 2D platformer, then a wildly successful early FPS. The series sort of faded away after that, but not until Duke Nukem Forever became the stuff of legend. In development for 14 years (yes, really), it was first revealed in 1997…then again in 2011. The development of the game is a rollercoaster, so get a drink and a sandwich before digging into it.
The Duke Nukem movie was announced last June, after years of rumours. I have no doubt in my mind that 3D Realms were so far up their own budgetary arses that they would have loved a Duke film, and were absolutely attempting to make one. Six and a half years after Duke Nukem Forever finally set foot upon this earth (and promptly floundered) we’re finally close. So goddamn close to the single most outdated film ever made. As if that wasn’t enough, the movie is being produced by Michael Bay’s company Platinum Dunes. Whether Bay himself will direct is but a dream at this point. I mean, how much more perfect a producer for Duke Nukem do you get than Michael ‘Transforming Your Eyes Into Goo’ Bay? Please, God, show us the light. Give us many explosions.
But oh, you read the headline. According to Hollywood Reporter, John Cena is in talks to have the starring role. Let’s go over that one more time. John Cena, modern wrestling icon, is in negotiations to play the most 90s video game character of all time. I’m nothing, if not intrigued. Really, I’m just excited that a fucking Duke Nukem feature-length film is being pre-produced in the year 2018. I can’t fucking wait to see if Cena has balls of steel. Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls of steel.