I’m getting too old for this.
I remember the days when the collectible market was a thriving and happy place. People spent good money on cheap anime figma at conventions, and I’m talking about real conventions; none of this Supanova poppycock. Our rooms were filled with bright and colourful “toys” that, sure, were half-broken and starting to warp. But dammit, they were our warped waifus and husbandos!
Now, that’s a thing of the past. Walk into a gamer’s room and you’ll find them. The thing I loath and dread in equal measures, the bastards who look like they should be bobbleheads but aren’t bobbleheads...Funko Pop. I hate them, with their grotesque design and their stranglehold on the vinyl collector scene. Everything has a Funko Pop. Everything.
There once was a domain where you could avoid these crimes against humanity – the morning. Bowls didn’t have a Funko Pop. Milk didn’t have a Funko Pop. Cereal didn’t have a–
We’re past the looking glass, people. The “good people” over at Funko are bringing their plastic parasites into every aspect of your life, starting with your innocent cereal bowl. A blog post released today outlines the features of this cereal, besides crippling diabetes:
Funko, purveyors of pop culture and all things awesome, is committed to helping you start the day off right by putting the fun back in breakfast with FunkO’s. And as we all know from Saturday morning commercials; every breakfast starts with a bowl of brightly colored cereal that comes out of a box with a really cool mascot on the front and a prize inside […] And of course, to put the fun back in breakfast, each box contains a collectible prize, making the boxes as much fun to collect as they are to eat! You’ll find a collectible figure inside every box of FunkO’s, so you’re going to want two boxes – one to taste, and one to display on your shelf with your Pop! collection.
Luckily (and also typical), this is limited to the US…for now. But let’s stop the rollercoaster for a second, because I have something dire to break to you: Saturday morning cartoons have been dead for nearly a decade. Your morning animation is deceased, taken away by the specter of 24-hour children’s channels. But that doesn’t faze you, does it? No, you have your Friendship is Magic torrent and your Archer DVDs, even the seasons that are objectively post-shark jump. You haven’t woken up before 10am since 2011, because you’re working part-time. You would have a full-time job, but that’s just not the world we live in anymore. You earn enough money to pay the bills and have some money left over, so why not treat yourself to some goddamn mother****ing Funko Pop cereal because “Gott ist tot” and we’re stuck here for the rest of our miserable lives.