For decades, we’ve been led to believe that Princess Peach, ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, is a benevolent, kind, and just leader. Living in an idyllic castle adorned with stained-glass windows, this pink protector of the people is depicted as little more than a headstrong individual who cares deeply for the kingdom’s residents. It’s Bowser, the oppressive King of the Koopas, that we’re told is the aggressor, the vile villain who hatches plans to capture the princess and lock her away in a tower, or wed her for geopolitical gains.
But let me tell you, my friends, the veil slipped ever so slightly this week, and I peered behind its lacey lies and saw the truth. What if we’ve been wrong about Princess Toadstool? What if her public persona hides a malevolent monarch? What if the tales of Mario foiling Bowser’s vile plots are nothing more than propaganda? What if Princess Toadstool is a well-maintained public persona? What if Peach is the actual tyrant?
I know, I sound like I’ve just spent the last 48 hours diving into conspiratorial forums and scrolling dubious sub-Reddits, but I’m not mad. I’ve got real, tangible proof.
There I was, playing through Mario Tennis Fever for review, enjoying the new rackets and modes, honing my skills on the court, and unlocking the game’s many playable characters. Playing through the game’s Adventure mode for the write-up, I found myself, as Baby Mario, boarding Princess Peach’s airship in an effort to thwart evil and return Mario and co. to their adult forms. Partway through the journey, Wario and Waluigi, agents of Bowser, challenged me to what I thought was a friendly match. I need to pass the time on the flight somehow, I thought, so why not?
At a minimum, this is child endangerment
Well, it turns out that the Flame Rackets that the dopplegangers were using weren’t a great mix with the airship’s wooden hull, and a fire quickly broke out. Springing to action, the Toads aboard helped Baby Mario douse the flames on deck, and then down below, seemingly quelling the danger. As it happens, I was dead wrong, as one of the loyal Toads then informed me that the fire had overheated the airship’s reactor and that we needed to cool it down to prevent a meltdown.
Now, the crisis was averted thanks to the intervention of a Baby Mario and his keen swing, but controlling this pint-sized tennis ace as he and Toad cooled a nuclear reactor that powered the Princess’s primary mode of transport gave me pause. Nuclear power isn’t inherently evil, I understand that, but it is volatile and dangerous under even the safest of conditions. And I would wager that such a reactor being positioned high in the sky above a kingdom full of subjects isn’t a safe condition.
And that made me think.
A nefarious heart pumping life into a lie
If Princess Peach truly is this altruistic force of good that she’s depicted as being, then why would she endanger her people by flying around in a wooden Fat Boy? And right there is my point: she isn’t a force of good, she’s a secret tyrant.
I understand that this is weaponised speculation, but coming face-to-face with the beating nuclear heart of that airship has me convinced that its true purpose isn’t to ferry Peach and her plumber friends around, it’s being used to strike fear into those below. It’s an ever-present reminder to everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom that, with a single word, a “tragic accident” could befall an entire township. I could be wrong: Peach and her advisers may be blissfully incompetent and careless, putting a flying disaster in the sky without a second thought for the repercussions, but somehow that’s the more optimistic read.
No, I’ve seen the mask slip, I’ve seen the face change. I know what Princess Peach really is. Not a young, charitable leader with a penchant for theatre, but a calculated and cruel tyrant who keeps the masses in check with fear and propaganda. The next question we need to ask is whether Mario and Luigi are fooled by her lies or part of the conspiracy.
Of course, there’s a third option that sees developer Camelot use a fuel source that gets hot to facilitate a minigame in what’s meant to be a lighthearted Adventure mode in a tennis game for kids. But that’s not fun at all, is it?
If you’re looking for more dubious Mario action, go ahead and check out my review of Mario Tennis Fever.
