CDPR To Release Cyberpunk 2077: Roach Edition Early Amidst Delay Controversy

CDPR To Release Cyberpunk 2077: Roach Edition Early Amidst Delay Controversy

In response to fan backlash after announcing yet another delay of their ambitious new title Cyberpunk 2077, CD Projekt Red has decided to release a special build of the game early, for those that can’t wait. We were able to talk to CDPR spokesperson Bjorn Surströmming over Zoom earlier to get the details.

“We’ve continually said the game is playable from start to finish, but time is needed for polish,” begins Surströmming. I asked him if it’s time to stop making Polish/polish puns, but he was emphatic in saying that there would never be a time to stop making such puns.

“We know fans want this game right now, so we’ve hacked together a rough build of the game where all characters move with that characteristic stiffness of Geralt from the Witcher 3, but more specifically with the terrible AI and physics of his equine companion Roach. It’ll allow us to push the game out much earlier than expected in a standalone Roach Edition of the game.”

This is a bold move considering one reviewer’s opinion (believed to be representative of everyone’s) of movement in a launch copy of the Witcher 3:

“At times, moving Geralt around on foot is like steering a pregnant woman encased in a trapezoidal jelly prism greased up with Vaseline. Rather navigate on horseback? Well it’s like putting all that on a horse. Your horse Roach deserves a special mention here, and he will make you question your moral stance on equicide. Continually forgetting how to horse, Roach will seemingly get stuck quite easily behind something as little as a blade of grass.”

Surströmming continued, “The game will be technically playable, but if an AI companion has to get to you from the other side of the room, they’ll spend a lot of time clipping awkwardly on small environmental details, but …they’ll get there.” He stared out the window at this point as if consumed by a deep sadness and repeated himself, “They’ll get there…”

Citing examples from popular companies like EA and Bethesda, Surströmming claims that pushing out unfinished piles of hot garbage is common practice. “Sure it hurts the integrity of the artist’s vision and misrepresents the thousands of hours of hard work we’ve already put in, but the fans want it now. Like, right now.”

We asked him if the Roach Edition might be able to incorporate features of other undercooked games kicked out the door far too early, such as Mass Effect Andromeda: “Unfortunately all of our facial animations are already done and look really good, but we’ve messed around with just adding googly eyes to the characters with promising results.” He added that the numerous spelling mistakes in Star Wars Battlefront II’s campaign could definitely appear in some form. When pressed on whether he thought modders could just fix it, Surströmming said the team was open to that, but only if the modders accepted payment in the form of exposure.

Leaked screenshots show impressive downgraded Polish polish

So when can we expect to get our grubby mitts on this abomination?

“We don’t really have time to focus on the physical production, we’ve just given the raw code to my uncle Jerry who works out of his basement. Having mastered the art of burning CDs during the Napster/Limewire days, he’s got a pirated copy of Nero and a really tall stack of CDs that come on one of those pole things. We expect a fair amount of crunch will be required for Jerry to get it done, but it’s a necessary evil in the industry.”

Great news for those who can’t wait until November.

Kieran is a consummate troll and outspoken detractor of the Uncharted series. He once fought a bear in the Alaskan wilderness while on a spirit quest and has a PhD in organic synthetic chemistry XBL: Shadow0fTheDog PSN: H8_Kill_Destroy