Fuck It, Just Put Cyberpunk 2077 On Everything

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

PRESS RELEASE, APRIL 22, 2020

ANNOUNCING CYBERSPUNK – LITERALLY JUST FUCK CYBERPUNK 2077

Cyberpunk 2077. It’s CD Projekt Red’s next gaming phenomenon after 2015’s wildly successful The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt and it’s set to take the world by storm on September 17, 2020.

We know gamers across the globe are so keen for Cyberpunk 2077, a game that literally nobody outside of our studio has even played, that we’ve been bombarded by the same question over and over in the lead up to release.

Hey CD Projekt – how can we give you more money? 

Well, gamers, you’re in luck. We’ve spent the last week showing off all of the awesome, limited edition Cyberpunk 2077 gear that you can pre-order right now at your favourite retailers, but today we reveal the one you’ve all been waiting for.

THE CYBERPUNK 2077 SEX TOY RANGE – CYBERSPUNK!

Because the only way to truly prove your Cyberpunk 2077 fandom, more than spending your hard-earned rent money on about-to-be-outdated console hardware is to literally fuck it. Now you can fuck Cyberpunk 2077 you fucking nerds.

  • Featuring trademark Cyberpunk 2077 art on the most popular dildo and fleshlight designs
  • LED lights and glow-in-the-dark engraving let everyone around you know what you’re doing
  • Hear crystal-clear 96kbps audio clips of The Matrix Revolutions’ Keanu Reeves saying “You’re breathtaking!” as you bust a big, Mountain Dew-scented nut all over your anime waifu body pillow
  • Seriously, if you’ll buy a Cyberpunk 2077-themed Seagate hard drive you’ll buy this shit
  • Hands-free modes so you can play Cyberpunk 2077 and fuck it at the same time!

Don’t wait – PRE-ORDER NOW!

PLUS! Gamers who pre-order the Cyberspunk range before 6/9 (nice) will get a bonus Cyberspunk plug and gag set so you can fill every orifice on your body with Cyberpunk 2077!

In case it needed to be said, this is not a real press release or product. Sadly.

Kieron started gaming on the SEGA Master System, with Sonic the Hedgehog, Alex Kidd and Wonder Boy. The 20-odd years of his life since have not seen his love for platformers falter even slightly. A separate love affair, this time with JRPGs, developed soon after being introduced to Final Fantasy VIII (ie, the best in the series). Further romantic subplots soon blossomed with quirky Japanese games, the occasional flashy AAA action adventure, and an unhealthy number of indie gems. To say that Kieron lies at the center of a tangled, labyrinthine web of sexy video game love would be an understatement.