Yesterday, we here in Australia/NZ were treated to the release of Pokémon Go on Android and iOS and I gotta say, it’s pretty fun. I’ve always been a huge fan of Pokémon but I’ve never been one for just walking around aimlessly looking at my phone. Sure, a lot of people are, but if I’m heading somewhere, it’s with a sense of purpose. The only time I’ll look at my phone is when I’ve stopped or moved over to the side of the footpath. All that has now changed. With Pokémon Go, it seems you have to have the application open to be notified of what’s going on around you (if there’s a way to get notifications with your phone in your pocket I haven’t found it yet). At times there might be so much going on that all you’re doing is staring at the screen, and I have already tripped over on more than one occasion trying to look for a Rattata hiding behind a wall or a Zubat in a cave (at least they’ve stayed true to the actual game, so many damn Pidgey, Rattata and Zubat!). It got me to thinking that this game, despite the warning when it loads to remain aware, is probably going to cause some injuries and for those special people among us, death. There absolutely will be that one guy who trips over and plants face first into the pavement or another who insists on checking the app while driving. Unfortunately, or fortunately I guess, there is such a thing as the Darwin Awards. If you’ve never heard of them, they are an ironic award recognising individuals that have contributed to human evolution by removing themselves from the gene pool. I just know that there are going to be some smart people out there disregarding the warnings the game provides and getting themselves into less than ideal situations. Below are my top 5 predicted Pokémon Go, Going Gone’s – hazardous situations users of the app are going to find themselves in and some tips and tricks for avoiding them.
Learn to crawl and never walk
As I mentioned earlier I have already tripped myself up playing this game. When you’re hunting a Psyduck through tall grass the last thing you’re worried about is where you’re putting your feet. There is no doubt in my mind that we will get at least some serious head trauma, if not death from someone tripping and hitting their head on the pavement. As it stands the game itself isn’t overly taxing and you don’t really need to do a lot of running around but that’s hasn’t stopped me from running around my suburb like a madman taking pictures of people’s most intimate moments in the pursuit of a dream. And that dream is catching rare Pokémon. Whether it be the pavement, a rock in the dirt or a fallen tree in the forest caution must be taken to watch your step when catching ‘em all! To avoid tripping, attempt to hunt for Pokémon while crawling around on your stomach. That way you can sneak up on them and you’ll never have to worry about tripping ever again.
Don’t say they didn’t warn you!
Urban areas not only have good Pokémon, but deadly cars
In the urban jungle there are Pokémons galore. Take a look at your current location and I’m sure you will see some grass in the middle of a concrete slab. It’s a well known fact that cheeky Meowth lurk in the shadows waiting to rob you in densely populated, urban areas. Gamers may discover filthy Grimer or hypnotic Abra in these areas, or if you are lucky you may stumble across the elusive Eevee and hope to evolve it into a majestic Flareon. There are so many fantastic urban Pokémon that you’re bound to need to cross major roads or even highways in search of them. Without a doubt hundreds of trainers are going to be hit by passing cars, it’s a fact. To avoid being hit by a car, try to wear vibrant colours and hold out your stiff arm when crossing roads with your head buried in your phone.
Water has been found to be the leading cause of drowning
Everyone knows you always choose Squirtle before any other starter for the simple reason that you can beast Brock. Of course, in the real world Charmander is the one you want because he’s a badass and he’s got a fire on his tail. We’ve heard that the starting Pokémon in Pokémon GO doesn’t really matterm, but just in case I chose Squirtle anyway. Little Squirtles are a water Pokémon and as such live in the water. Now I don’t know about you but I’m yet to find a Squirtle in the water and I think it’s because he’s real deep, cha feel? Because I’m smart I’ve purchased a pool noodle to take me to waters untraveled but other trainers might not be as smart. Since yesterday I’ve been expecting to see word of a spike in drownings due to people hunting in winter seas. To ensure you’re safe, rip a few parachute flares and set off an emergency signal just in case a Magikarp gets the better of you!
Get outta here you cheeky fucker!
On my way to being the best
Sly Stallone’s Cliffhanger was a true story, don’t let it be yours
As we all know flying Pokémon are wily and devious and no sooner have you’ve turned your back than they are dive bombing the back of your head, empty ice cream container present or not. Sure, you could try and put a pair of sunnies on the back of your head but that Pidgey is coming for you regardless. I don’t know about you, but for me, there’s nothing sweeter than locking tiny flying beasts in red and white balls with the promise of getting them to fight other creatures later on. Sometimes your quest for trapping Farfetch’d and the ever confusing Gyarados will take you to cliffs on the coastline and you’re likely to fall off and die. Make sure that wherever you go you are harnessed and attached to a tree, pole or other such securing. You may look like a fool to the uninitiated but to us trainers, we’ll know that you’re just a dedicated, safety conscious motherfucker.
Driving will help you cover more ground, but keep at least one good eye on the road
This last scenario is more real than anyone will probably like to admit. Oh how easy it is to have the app open, swiping Pokéstops as you breeze past in your convertible, flinging Pokéballs erry-damn-where. I actually foresee this as being a very real and clear threat to the lives of trainers and I’ll be sure to keep only one eye on my Pokémon and the other on the roads to ensure I don’t become a victim to those idiots. To avoid costly and potentially life threatening car accidents while on the roads, make sure you get a good friend to hold the wheel and act as your eyes.
Would you get a load of this fuccboi
Believe me, I’m as disappointed as you are
So there you have it, the definitive list of things that will kill you while playing the game and some strategies to combat the Grim Reaper. Whichever way it will kill you, it’s probably not a bad way to go. Just make sure it’s not from wildly following a Mr Mime into an electric fence.